The End of the World
by RuthieGreen
Summary: Another take on "The Killing Dose" - it woke me up to get written so here it is... some of you will not like it...rg


**The End of the World**

"_Oh, dear God. Not again!"_

The cry tore from William's throat, an almost feral sound. Once his feet unstuck from the floor, he scrambled out the door after Julia, his heart and head pounding, while she took over a near-by hansom cab which had just unloaded a pair of obviously inebriated men. The cabbie urged his horse on at a pace William could not match on foot, although he tried.

"_**Julia!"**_ William yelled down the street, producing sniggers from his drunken neighbors and no response at all from the cab. After standing in the empty street for a long minute, mind whirring with indecision and uncaring about the spectacle he was making of himself, he retreated inside his house, slamming the door behind him.

"How did we get here again?" he demanded of the empty room, anger, anguish and bewilderment hoarsening his voice. Because that _was_ the problem: despite her promise to him to never let things get this way between them again, it had happened…

"_Again!" _he complained, this time behind clenched teeth, one hand massaging his aching brow. He did remember _his_ promise to _her_, even if she forgot hers. Unfortunately, he remembered it a split-second after she was already furious at him and gone.

William put his coat and hat on, grabbed gloves, went to the shed for his bicycle, then moved swiftly through the dark streets on his wheel, ignoring how speed made the chill air even colder against his exposed skin. He'd seen where the carriage had turned, and there was only one place in that direction she might go this time of night.

He rode out there until his lungs and legs burned, fighting the fear he'd be too late. Last time, that awful last time, she hadn't really wanted him to go, had wanted him to align with her feelings, to come back to her even when she drove him away, becoming even more angry when he took too long. So, if Julia needed a demonstration of passion, then he was not going to make the same mistake twice.

_We'll sort the rest of it out later, God willing. _He managed to think that without any irony, his only focus on getting Julia back home pushed every other consideration to the side.

He passed a familiar hansom coming from the other direction as he steered up the curved drive of the hospital, right to the front steps. _Good,_ he thought, _she is here!_ Of course, she'd come here, he knew, needing work to get perspective, help her focus. Without bothering to park it properly, he flung his bicycle against the steps and mounted them two at a time into the building. Once inside, he paused for a second to assure himself he was presentable after such a frantic ride, before asking after Dr. Ogden.

"She is up there," an orderly pointed to the second floor. William had rehearsed so many different options in his mind on the way over he was afraid he was going to make a jumble of them, make a scene or, worse yet, get tongue tied.

_No,_ he ordered himself, _I will tell her the truth: I am sorry I did not react the way you wanted me to. I do love you, no matter what. Being upset or angry does not mean the loss of love, does not mean we can't work it out, not for me._ _Please come home. _

To himself he sounded confident, yet his palms sweated on the handrail as he went up the stairs. He summoned every ounce of courage he possessed. He'd find her, wait out her anger, take her hand, get her to look in his eyes…William noticed a lift in his heart as he topped the stairs and proceeded down the long hall. He heard Julia speaking from somewhere ahead of him, the sound of her distinctive voice reassuring him she was available, not with a patient.

_Perfect! I'll have a chance to talk with her. I'll tell her_: _Haven't we proved that nothing is insurmountable if we are togeth…?_

William stopped dead at the sight, his instincts kicking in before cognition, sending heavy ice to his guts. His mind refused to register the meaning of what was in front of his eyes: Julia in Dr. Dixon's arms. He made his mouth work. "Julia…?" She jumped, turning to the sound of his voice, alarm on her blushing face. Dixon at least had the courtesy to look ashamed.

Julia might have called his name, but sound was cut off by the roaring in William's ears. _Oh, God… _It was too late…all too late. _How could I have been such a fool? _ The knowledge made his frozen stomach churn and his blood run cold.

William turned on his heel and fled blindly out of the hospital into the night. The whole way home his mind reeled. Suddenly, painfully, much too much was starting to make sense…Julia's distance from him, her seeking Dixon's counsel instead of his own, Dixon trying to take responsibility for Miss Cooper's overdose, why every time he'd come to the hospital Dixon and Julia were…

Try as he might, there were some things he could just not un-see.

By the time William reached the house he was trembling, and his mouth felt like ashes. He used the back of his hand to brush salt out of the corners of his eyes. With a single light on, he began to methodically sort his belongings, using familiar actions to calm the turmoil in his mind. His hackles rose when he heard the front door open and close.

"William?" Julia approached him. "William? You came to the hospital to talk to me." She stopped several feet away, holding her hands together.

He glanced at her then returned to his task, unaware tears started down his cheeks again.

"William, please. Why did you come after me?" Her voice was somewhere between anxious and irritated. "What did you want?"

_Indeed,_ he wondered what there was left _to _want. He kept his back to her, trying to come up with something, _anything_, to say. All that he might have said, wanted to say, was ridiculous now. _Complain about all I have willingly endured to have her in my life? Done to fit myself into hers?_ Anger and guilt engaged in a chaotic war inside him, eventually spinning him around. Rapidly closing the distance between them he took her, kissing her roughly, thoroughly, holding on to her for dear life.

She fought him briefly, relented in his arms, then pushed him away, leaving her breathless. 'What is that about?" she asked. Her eyes were wide and searching.

"It's what you wanted, isn't it?" He held her away from him but did not let go of her arms. "A grand gesture? You think I don't care, have no feelings, am some sort of cold-hearted bastard."

Julia could not keep anger from her words. "Yes. No... I needed you for comfort. You treated me like a criminal!"

He winced_. If only she hadn't had to tack on the last sentence_. He studied her closely, groaning inside with pain. _Here we are again._ His near eidetic memory supplied her most recent dissatisfaction with him: Seven weeks ago, she snapped at him about a hospital surgical patient, Mr. Fitzgerald, who did not want a female physician. When William tried to discuss it with her, she took umbrage. It was not the first time she made this sort of complaint, accusing him of failing her, usually when she was feeling persecuted. His mind listed them off, in chronological order.

It was her eternal complaint. When he similarly failed to understand and meet her needs earlier today, she angrily stalked off—directly to Dr. Dixon.

He shook his head, willing himself away from _that _soul-scorching image. His pounding head decided not to recall just how often Julia concluded her leaving was always the ultimate solution to anything and everything.

"No," he insisted to her. "You wanted to change the subject. No discussion, no problem for us to solve, no solutions for us to seek. You wanted to be told you were right." His voice remained low, raspy. "I was trying to find out who murdered that poor girl. And who did I find? You!" He held on while she squirmed. "And even though you committed a crime, I did not treat you like a criminal. I got you out of jail and got the charges dropped..."

William made sure he caught her gaze. She was still angry, defiant. In that case, so was he. "For my troubles, you threw that accusation at me so you could feel self-righteous!"

William saw his words hit Julia like a slap, her face showing shock, then, slowly, recognition filled her eyes.

_Oh, Julia! The truth can hurt. _Before she could say anything, he released her. "But it is _you_ who think _I_ have done the unforgivable because I could not immediately set my own feelings aside, on your timetable. So, you went to_ him_…" His voice broke altogether now. He made no effort to stem his tears.

"No, William, I went there to talk…" Julia tried to defend herself.

"Yes. With _him_. I know what I saw, Julia. And I know you. You have a habit of falling in love with the men you work with and I have no doubt at all Dr. Dixon reciprocates."

Julia's gasp of breath was loud. "I'm sorry, William. It was not like that. Andrew Dixon took advantage…I love _you_." She reached for his hands, catching his sleeve.

He turned to face her, head shaking side to side. "But running away to someone or something else is what you do. A year and a half ago, under frighteningly similar circumstances, you threw me out of our hotel. You wanted to change the subject, make the problem be my tone, my attitude. To be justified. You further deciding you needed to put a hemisphere between us. And you would have if I hadn't put all my reservations aside and come back to beg you to stay with me. We promised never to find ourselves in that position again, we promised to make an effort, Julia, to stay and fight for our marriage. Together."

Julia's chin jutted out. "William, I am sorry I ran off, but really, I had a very bad day…"

_**"And I didn't?"** _he snapped back. She had the good graces to look away. "You admitted you had no plan for the consequences. We have a very serious threat to deal with…"

"William, it will all blow over…" Julia tried reassuring him.

That infuriated him. He turned back to folding shirts. "You cannot undo what has been done. You violated your oath as a doctor, Julia, potentially have harmed the hospital, your colleagues, just as Matron Ingram had done when she decided to give potassium chloride to alcoholics. You you accused her of substituting her judgement for medical norms, for what was expected and acting outside her role as a healer."

"What I did was different..."

"I will remind you that Dr. Forbes also believed you were indulging your own ego in the investigation. Just a day ago he reminded you that you do not like the boundaries of your profession. Perhaps he was right."

"Other doctors have performed euthanasia..."

"You broke one of the Commandments…" he retorted.

"It's always about God with you, William. Never about people, never about compassion…" Her anger flared to meet his.

"You broke the law, Julia.…"

She could not help but defend herself. "An ill-considered law, one which requires unnecessary suffering, one which physicians have found invalid for centuries…"

"You used to value the law, Julia, at least some of them. The ones you agreed with, others you challenged no matter the cost…"

"Some laws are made to be broken…" She put a hand on his arm and pivoted him around, astounded by the look on his face.

"And. You. Broke. My. Heart…" He said this with such deep pain it startled both of them.

The sight of her husband's tear-stained, tortured face jolted her out of the protective anger she had flung around her like her cape, allowing her senses to flood with shame. It forced her, almost against her will, to own up to her actions. _Oh, my god…_ _I have done this. _She had indeed attacked everything about him.

"William, please, William. Nothing happened between me and Dr. Dixon. We are not having an affair. I am so sorry… please, can we talk?"

William had no more words. He indeed felt heartbroken, hollow inside where love for Julia had bled out from the wound in his very being, the tear caused by Julia seeking comfort from another man.

"Please, you are being ridiculous, jumping to conclusions. How can you think that of me?"

William saw it took no time at all for Julia to slide back into her old habit of defending herself. "No, Julia. Perhaps not a physical affair, but then again, you and I did not commit physical adultery while you were married to Darcy, but we were in an affair none the less."

Julia started weeping. "William, I am sorry, truly. Please stop." She came in front of him to prevent him packing any more of his belongings. "Please don't go." When he did not answer, she tried again. "William, please, I hurt you. I see that. At minimum I should have told you right away when I planned to help Jane Cooper. And….and I should not have run off to the hospital earlier. You are right, I needed to stay…you need time to digest things. _We_ need to stay and fight for us, for our marriage…" He still said nothing. "William. I do not want our marriage to end…"

Her pleading fell into the silence between them. When he finally spoke, his words were thick, full of sarcasm. "Julia, your actions have bound us together more securely than any marriage vows. You know I will never divorce you. I have only you, my work and my faith, and if I have lost you then I will not accept excommunication for your sake. I _can_ seek an annulment from the church…"

Julia interrupted. "You cannot say our marriage was not consummated…"

He plowed on. "… On the grounds you did not enter our marriage in good faith, that you broke your promise which allowed our marriage to take place in the church, the promise that you would never try to divide me from Catholicism. But that is for later if it comes to that." He straightened his shoulders, dug his fingernails into his palms to keep the tremor from showing. "Unfortunately, we must remain married, Julia."

She gave a quizzical turn to her head and her face drew into a question.

"Because a husband and wife cannot testify against each other in court," he supplied the logical reason. "Ironic, isn't it, Julia? One of those archaic laws which makes a wife indissoluble from her husband, a left-over from when she was his property, the kind of law neither you nor I agree with, is going to save us." His eyes bored into hers. "You committed a murder, Julia. You could lose your job, your ability to practice medicine, be jailed." He took in a ragged breath. "Be hung. I have conspired after the fact and obstructed justice. As has Inspector Brackenreid."

"But…you are leaving…?" Julia gestured to the clothing and toiletries he'd been piling up.

William's mouth curved, his voice was husky, harsh. "No. I cannot. If I left now, or you left me, it might raise suspicions at a time when we need this all to 'blow over' as you suggested. No. We will live here, together, for the foreseeable future to keep this all under wraps, if only for the Inspector's sake. I assume you can consider his feelings and well-being even if you have none for mine."

He made one glance in her direction, made sure she understood the stakes in the game she started with her recklessness. It seemed she did, perhaps for the first time. "I see no reason to change our economic arrangements at this time. Since we do not work together we should have no difficulties keeping up appearances professionally and as we do not socialize but infrequently, no one will comment on our being missing from Society. After we have dealt with Violet Hart, and we _will_ have to deal with her at some time, then we can decide what domestic - or legal - arrangement suits us."

The memory of Julia with Dixon burned through some of William's numbness. Everything else, everything that happened with his investigation and Miss Cooper's death, including Julia's involvement in it, might have been something he'd have been willing to work through, to bend towards her needs, to forgive, if only for the sake of her love. As painful as this was, as gut wrenchingly horrid as it was to be put in the same position again, Julia, in her arrogance, committing a crime for which the penalty was death and blindsiding him with it in the middle of an investigation…He did understand compassion. It was why he did not arrest Mrs. Hill for helping Julia's father commit suicide. Today, he'd asked for a way out of the mess Julia was in, broken the law to get her out of jail, made his heart big enough to understand why she acted…

…But knowing she bolted from him, from their marriage, from her promise to never do that ever again, then sought out another man's arms - just shattered everything inside him. He was a broken man, with only a scrap of dignity left. With the last of his pride he said: "In the meantime, I do ask for better discretion than you showed today."

With that, he picked up his bundle and moved it to the second bedroom of the house.

**-END-**

**A/N: **

**Dear Reader: Do you think William is done with Julia? **

So, I don't think W is done with her…. but this story does, and imagines a difficult estrangement between them, and that it was her actions which cause it to be necessary. Personally, I find it hard to believe W can ever be done with J for myriad reasons, because we know he loves her and will be miserable without her, but one day she (the writers) might actually go too far.

So, even tho' I don't actually think this is what will happen…the story woke me up in the middle of the night to get written. "The Killing Dose" episode was a serious **Rorschach test**, again, just like "Shadows Are Falling" and "Free Falling" were…the fan reactions spanning the entire gamut from 1) It was that damned, logical, emotionless William who screwed up, 2) It was that reactive Julia who screwed up, and 3) Everything in between.

In most ways it was a re-run of the Season 11 Ep 17/18 plot, with maybe a little better give and take between W&J, more discussion, more expository dialogue than S11. In both cases, _we_ fans projected _our_ stuff into it and came away with the interpretation which flowed from that.

But Julia did exactly the same thing again and for the same reasons…her conscience dictates her actions with disregard for consequences because she does not have a plan for the 'after.' Or _**is**_ it conscience? Maybe it is ego…? Willfulness…? Reactivity from a lifetime of fighting against authority…? A Doctor's God complex? Think about it— she flouts any law she does not like. She's been arrested multiple times & has always gotten a free pass or out of it at the end (except for murdering Darcy which she did not do.) She scoffs at God. She is keen on the hypocrisy of others. She is the mistress of double-binds for William. She generally makes unilateral decisions—announcing what she is doing as opposed to consultation. She offers up false equivalencies.

W is right—Julia is a strong woman who values her independence, yet she is also presented as brittle. She needs W to read her emotional mind and wade through her minefield of mixed signals… In the series, some of the most moving, powerful scenes are all Helene Joy's work as Julia, and other times I want to scream at how she is written.

Going to the hospital? J knows Dixon has feelings for her, and she did hesitate a little too long when Dixon tried to kiss her… I really hope the writers do NOT have her go there to expressly interact with him…but you never know with PM. I do think they will resolve things in their relationship in the next episode(s) but that will be just to have them in some terrible, angst-ridden, dangerous mess at the end of the season.

So…. after thinking I had little to add to the stories, here is my imaginative take, dear Reader.

Comments, review, brick-bats welcome. -rg


End file.
